The second post.

Well, it's almost two weeks since I've been on this new program.  And I'm still loving it!  I think I may have messed up this weekend, though.  Not horribly.  So the program I'm on is low-calorie, low-carb.  Yesterday, my parents came over and our son came over and we ordered pizza. I also ordered chicken wings for me, but I also had a piece of pizza.  I chose the thin crust and the smallest piece there, and I looked up the carb count and it seemed OK so I enjoyed my piece of pizza and went on about my day.

This morning, I stepped on the scale and... since Friday, I've gained 0.2#.

I know that's a laughable amount.  I know that a woman's daily weight can fluctuate wildly based on any number of factors, many of them uncontrollable.  I know that, even if I did gain 0.2#, I'm still down more than 10 pounds since starting, and that is nothing to sneeze at!!

But I can't help but think that I know what caused that.  Damn pizza.  Wasn't even that good. 

It could also be that I haven't taken my blood pressure meds for like three days now.  Because I was starting to feel pre-syncopal (for my non-medicalese friends, that means I'd feel a little lightheaded when standing up sometimes) and, since my blood pressure had only recently become "elevated", I thought maybe I could drop the meds already. 

I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  Today I feel all bloated and sluggish.  If I had to guess, I'd say it's a combination of eating like crap this weekend (because besides the pizza thing, there's the fact that we're supposed to eat 6 small meals a day, and I didn't yesterday) and not taking my BP meds. 

I feel obligated to say here that I do not support ANYONE deciding to take themselves off their meds "to see what happens", in any case at all.  Do as I say, not as I do.  I made a bad choice there, even if it was an educated choice.  I should start living by the policy of not doing anything that I wouldn't tell my patients to do.  Never, ever, ever play around with your own medication doses, kids. Got it?

And today I feel hungry.  Like I did the first day I was on the program. So, I may have messed up enough to knock myself out of "ketosis".  And you know what?  Lesson learned.  And if I did knock myself out of ketosis, I know it'll take 3 days for me to get back into it.  And I know that I still lost weight the first week, even with not being in ketosis until the 3rd or 4th day or so.  So overall, I'm not worried.  I will go back to following the plan to the very letter, and taking my BP meds, and I'm confident that this, too, shall pass.

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My huge victory for last week was that, I was losing about 0.4-0.5# per day most of the week.  Which is awesome!!  So Thursday, I weighed 233.4#.  And I was like, man oh man, if I could be down in the 232 range, that would be SO FRICKIN' AWESOME!!  So what I do when I get on the scale is, I focus on what I want the number to be.  I'm usually running this "please don't be higher than [last known weight], please don't be higher than [last known weight]" line through my head about a thousand times per minute.  So I sat down on the scale, and a few seconds later after it beeped, I stood up and read it.  231.0.  It actually took me a second -- I didn't want it to be higher than 233 and was hoping for 232, so 231 didn't register right away.  But when it did -- man oh man oh man!!  And then the ".0" was a whole 'nother thing!  I was a very happy camper. 

So...yeah.  Today's reading of 231.2 still feels like a failure.  Overall I'm still very happy, but, a little deflated today. And tired.

But tomorrow is another day!!

The first post.

I've never been good at the proverbial, or even literal, First Post.  It's like on the first day of class when everyone has to go around the room and introduce themselves and why they are where they are at that particular moment.  Who cares?!  I'll try to say something witty but chances are I won't come up with anything original until the moment is long gone. 

So let's skip the introductions and get the the reason why I'm here.  The reason why I felt the need to log back in to this account (seriously, I had to click the Forgot Username *and* Forgot Password links) and start a new blog.  I hope you're not expecting anything ground-breaking or original here.  There are a begillion blogs out there covering this same topic.  Heck, I've even started blogs about this in the past (back in the Xanga days, hahaha...).  I'm not promising that this is going to be interesting to anyone but me.  It's meant for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be educational or promotional or even attention-seeking (I mean, other than the fact that it's a blog...)

This blog is going to be about losing weight.

About two weeks ago, I decided to go ahead and join a program.  I'm not going to say which one yet, because -- like I said -- this is not meant to be a promotional blog.  I'd been thinking about joining this particular program for a long time.  

I'm overweight.  I've gained more than 100 pounds since graduating high school 25 years ago.  I started gaining weight about the time I graduated from high school, actually. "Everyone does," they say.  That was also around the time I was in car accident and became not as active as I'd previously been.  Not that I was an athlete by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't overweight by any stretch of the imagination, either.  (Except my own imagination!!  But in hindsight, and by recent BMI scales, I was actually "underweight".)  So the combination of having restricted physical activity (nothing serious like broken bones or anything, just a lot of muscle strains and whiplash and headaches) and being on lots of pain killers and muscle relaxers... and then moving out of my parents' house and being solely responsible for my own nutrition, which was bad because up until then I really just ate whatever I wanted and if I needed to drop 5-10 pounds, I'd just skip a couple of meals.  

Oh, I can come up with so many other excuses.  Comfort food was my friend.  Those first few adult "on your own" years are stressful. Family issues, relationship issues, work issues, etc.  I used to ruminate on this because I thought the key to actually being able to lose weight was lost in those details somewhere.  One theory I had is that I gained weight to make myself unattractive, to draw attention away from myself, to keep people away from me so they couldn't hurt me.  For a long time (recently), I was convinced there was something in there I had to uncover so I could get myself in the right frame of mind to stick with a program.  Some psychological key, or something like that.  After a few years or so of going through all that, I came to the conclusion that I was sniffing up the wrong trees.  I mean, I don't doubt that part of the reason I subconsciously denied that I was gaining weight in the beginning was because I subconsciously wanted to draw attention away from myself so people wouldn't hurt me, way back in the beginning.  

But like I was trying to say... I've tried other "programs".  The cabbage soup diet, Weight Watchers, Atkins, Isagenix.  None of them stuck.  I was hesitant to try another program for that very reason.  I couldn't stick with them.  But I felt like I needed a structured program.  Someone to tell me exactly what to eat and when, and even provide the food for me.  But it should taste good.  It should taste like food and not cardboard.  I don't want to restrict anything long-term.  I don't want all my intake to be in the form of shakes or other liquids.  

So I heard about this particular program not too long ago.  And something about it struck a chord with me.  I don't know why -- it was a name I'd never heard. I knew exactly one person on the program at the time.  But I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I thought long and hard about it, and I even prayed about it.

Yes, I prayed about it.  I'm a prayerful person.  Not that anyone knows but me, because I pray silently.  Several times a day, usually.  Always at night before I fall asleep.  I pray about EVERYTHING.  I could write a whole 'nother blog on my prayer life and my faith journey...perhaps another time.  But it does play into this because I did pray for God to help me find a way to lose weight and regain my health.

Ah, yes. My health.  I should also mention that after my son was born, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the form of PTSD.  So I've been on antidepressants for most of the last 20 years as well.  I started out on the kinds that make you gain weight.  Yay!  I'm not on that one anymore, but the effects remain.  And a part of that is being depressed because I'm fat because I'm depressed.  Actually, up until recently, that was really my only health problem.  Depression and anxiety.  I was otherwise pretty clinically healthy.  Always had good BP -- a bit on the low side, but still normal.  Always had good cholesterol levels.  Aches and pains after the previously-mentioned car accident, but nothing debilitating at this point.  But in the last few years, my blood pressure has been creeping up.  

There is heart disease in my family.  My Dad had a double bypass when he was, let's see...about 63 years old.  He went to the doctor upon my Mom's insistence, because he was having chest pain when walking around the lake (the pain went away after a few minutes) and the BP machine at Walmart had a high reading.  They immediately sent him for an angiogram.  Then they immediately admitted him, because he had two blockages. I don't remember which veins were occluded, because I wasn't a nurse at the time.  But they were both more than 90% blocked.  He was literally a walking time bomb.  Two days later, he had open heart surgery.  He's now 74 years old and doing well!  But I digress.  I'd've thought that would've been enough to scare me straight.  I went to cardiac rehab with him, sat through the "heart-healthy diet" classes with him, and I still give him a hard time for not exercising enough.  

But it wasn't enough.  Even my hubby (who also has a family cardiac history) being started on hypertension meds wasn't enough for me.  But last year when my new doctor started *me* on a hypertension med?  Oh yeah.  It finally hit home.

Last summer, my new doctor also started me on weight-loss meds.  She diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and started me on Metformin.  I actually thought for years that I might've had PCOS, and she agreed with me based on my history.  And the lab work supported that, so I started taking Metformin.  She also started me on a "mild" stimulant to work as an appetite suppressant.  Yay!  Take a pill and lose weight!!  And, she lectured me on making better food choices, smaller portions, ditching the diet Dew, etc.  All the stuff I knew I needed to do but just didn't have the heart to do.  

Well, the pills worked at first.  I lost almost 20 pounds last summer.  I hated the fact that I had to take so many pills (because the stimulant also increased my BP, and then the first hypertension med was making me hypokalemic so I had to stop that and start a different one).  I had to get a pill box to remember them all.  But the results were encouraging.  Until they weren't anymore.  So I increased the doses.  And felt horrible because I was taking so much medication.  I don't like taking medication.  And I stopped losing weight.  But I maintained for a few more months.  Then I started gaining weight.  Despite taking the medications.  I played around with them, thinking if I stopped and gave my body a rest and then started them again, they'd work like they did at first.  Nope.  Didn't happen.

A few weeks ago, I hit my all-time high.  I don't even want to say what it was.  

Last Wednesday, I started this program.  In the weeks leading up to that, something changed in my mind. Food started tasting different.  I was losing my appetite -- but if I didn't eat, I'd feel horrible and get all hypoglycemic.  Yes, I'm self-diagnosing based on my symptoms, haha.  I was so ready to start this program.  So very ready.  Readier than I've ever been in my life.  Committed to sticking to the program to.the.letter.  No cheating.  All in.  Grabbing the bull by the horns.

And here I am!  Today is Day 5.  I wish I would have started this blog sooner.  Day 1 was probably the worst day.  On this program, I eat 6 times a day.  5 of those are program-specific food that is low-carb, high protein, packed with vitamins, and low calorie.    That first day, shortly after my second "meal", I started feeling hypoglycemic.  Which also makes me feel panicky.  One time at work, I had that feeling and ended up feeling dizzy, confused, sweaty, and weak.  I don't EVER want to feel that bad again.  So I wanted to eat a piece of bread or something.  But I didn't want to stray from the plan, especially not on Day 1!  So I toughed it out.  I never got close to as bad as I did that one time at work.  I felt tired, a little foggy (but I also had just returned from a wonderful 4-day vacation in the woods...) but once that near-panicky feeling passed, I felt fine.  The next day, I was as clear as ever.  And still on the program -- yay me!

I've also cut way back on my diet Dew intake.  As in, I used to drink 3-4 of the 20oz bottles per day, easily.  Now, I'm down to one.  Yesterday, I had NONE and survived without even a headache.  I had one today at work, and it didn't even taste as good as it used to.  I think my goal will be to have only one per day on work days, and none on the weekends.  

I was surprised at first at the low total caloric intake this program provides.  Basically, this program is everything I used to swear I'd never do -- low calorie and low carb.  I love my carbs!!  And I hate counting calories!!  But honestly, with eating every 2-3 hours, I do NOT feel hungry.  I feel like I'm eating all the time.  I have to remind myself to eat.  The program food tastes good, but I'm just not hungry.  So the snacks (which are 90-110 calories each), which seemed so small at first, are just the right size.  

And...this morning I got on the scale...and, since last Tuesday, my weight is down.  A total of almost 8 pounds since my all-time high just a few weeks ago.  I'm elated! Ecstatic!!  I can do this. I can keep doing this.  I WILL keep doing this. 

And no...all of my future posts will NOT be this long. kthxbai