And going, and going...

Well, weighing in once or twice a week is still going well for me.  Sticking to the plan is also working well for me.  I'm not breaking any records as far as speed of weight loss, but that's okay. Slow and steady wins the race!  As long as the numbers on the scale keep trending correctly, I'm happy.

I get knocked down, but I get up again...

It's too bad I only feel like writing in here when things are going well.  I really want to know what's going on inside my head when I fall off the wagon.  When things AREN'T going well.  When that moment of, "It's alright if I just have this one 'cheat' day" turns into "GIVE ME ALL THE CARBS!".  Because those are the moments I need to be analyzing, picking apart, exposing for the whole world to see.  Not these days when things are going well.

Because honestly, when things aren't going well, I don't want to read about when things were going well.  It just makes me feel even worse.  

Anywho...now I can only speculate.  Where did I fall apart this time?  What made me stop giving a rat's ass for a while and, more importantly, how can I keep that from happening again??

One theory is that it really was (at least in part) the stupid scale.  Messing with my mind.  Not just that the one in my bedroom is the most inconsistent thing ever created, but also because it is so far off from what the scale at work and the scale at my doctor's office reads.  This is known: the scale at work and the scale at my doctor's office are what I consider reliable.  Super expensive medical-grade professional blah blah blah reliable.  Even when my home scale was consistent, those two scales were 8 pounds more than my home scale was.  Eight pounds is a LOT.  It's the difference between almost 210 (212) and still in the 220's (220) at the same dang weight.  Stupid mind tricks.  

So I stopped stepping on the scale for a while.  For weeks.  And other things happened, for other reasons my mental health took a hit.  I stopped taking one of my medications which, in addition to being a mood stabilizer was also an appetite suppressant.  Don't ever do that, kids.  That leads to a vicious circle of, well if I'm not taking that one anymore, maybe I don't need this one anymore, either.  Don't ever do that, either, kids. 

Long story short, I'm back on my meds.  Two of the three meds I take for mood stabilization also have appetite suppressant effects.  When I'm in the right mindset, I can harness those powers for good (lol).  

I gained some weight back.  Not as much as before, but the fact that I gained any back is not something I'm happy about.  However, I'm not exactly sure how much I really did lose because of the scale fiasco, so, yeah.

I have decided to ONLY go by the scale at work.  That is what I am using for my official weigh-in (and by that, I mean the weight I enter on MyFitnessPal) now and going forward, since a few weeks ago.  The scale upstairs in my room can take a flying leap.  Then I know I am getting an accurate, consistent measurement, and I'm not going to overdo it because I'm still only there an average of 2-3 days per week.  

So, this was a good week.  I've stayed pretty on track with my food plan.  I thought I looked and felt like maybe I'd lost a little bit, but I know better than to get my hopes up.  So imagine my surprise when I got on the scale yesterday and was down three pounds since Tuesday!  (And on Tuesday I was down two pounds from the Friday before!)  It's amazing how losing three pounds can suddenly make a person feel like they're skinny. Or is that just me?

So, here I am again.  Isn't there a saying about, it's not about how many times you quit, it's about how many times you get up and try again?  Well, if there isn't, there should be.  I might be a lot of things, but I'm not a quitter.  HA HA HA HA.  

And that's where I'm at right now.  Feeling defeated? Yes.  But feeling like I can still win this battle, heck yes!  I'm not out, just down.  

Why? Part 1

A short while ago, when I told her that I was going to gear up and dive into round 2 of this program
with the goal of losing the weight I had gained back and then a little bit more, my good friend and official coach asked me to do just two things:

1.    Write down 50 reasons to lose weight/be healthy; and

2.    Repeat 3 affirmations before getting up every morning:

        a.    I release my excess weight and feel light and free;

        b.    I choose food that nourishes and heals me, and every bite is an act of self love;

        c.    I acknowledge that to be healthy is my choice; I choose in each moment to love and honor my body.

That was actually just a little over a month ago.  I... ummmm.. haven't accomplished either of those things yet.  Ooops.

So! She and I touched base about this earlier this week, and I made it a goal to come up with at least 25 reasons why by the end of the week. Which is, oh my garsh, today!  If not for the last minute, I'd never get things done.  ;)

Alright, alright, alright; here we go. In no particular order...

My Reasons Why:

1. Heart disease runs in my family. My Dad had a double bypass when he was just 65 years old.  I don't want that to happen to me.  I know that losing weight isn't a guarantee, but it is a risk factor I can control.
2. Speaking of health...being a healthy weight also lowers my risk of developing certain types of cancer, so they say.  Cancers are in my family, too.  My Dad has had prostate cancer and skin cancer x2, and there have been other cancers in my extended family.  So, it's there.  I'm pretty sure it's in every family.  I'd like to keep that risk as low as possible.
3. Lower risk of developing diabetes.  Do I really have to explain why I want to lower my risk of developing ANY disease?!?
4. Losing weight can also help fight depression, and I need every ounce of help fighting depression that I can get.  It's a vicious circle, too; because I'm not saying the reason I gained weight in the first place is because of anti-depressants, but Zoloft was a factor.  I'm not saying I wish I'd never taken Zoloft, because it's a damn good anti-depressant.  But the medication I took to help fight depression also helped me gain weight, which in turn made me more depressed about having gained weight.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  I don't take Zoloft anymore.  The class of anti-depressant I'm on now doesn't have the weight-gaining side effect of the SSRI's (like Zoloft).  So at least the current I'm swimming against isn't quite as strong anymore.
5. Losing weight and eating cleaner helps with digestive issues as well.  I notice that difference almost right away.  Shortly after cutting out the extra sugars and carbs from my diet, my digestive issues clear up.  Like magic!  *groan*  
6. I want to set a good example for my son. Because I haven't done a great job of that yet in this department.  He's always had an overweight mom. But at least I can show him that it's never too late to change.  

That's all I've got for now.  I'll try to think of some more later.  This is hard!

I don't know where I'm at with weight loss.  My scale is on crack.  Today it says I gained 10 pounds since yesterday which I know for a fact I did not thank you very little.  I'm trying to be brave and not let it matter but I just want to know how much I weigh once a day so I can track it on my little tracker and have a graph to look at...

I think I'm going to take a bag of sugar upstairs (or something that I know the weight of) and test it on my scale to see how far off the dang thing is.  IDK.  I need numbers.  I need to measure something.  And I don't want to measure inches.  

On a super positive note, last night my hubby told me that my face looks skinny.  :) 

Alright, time to get back to work.  Later, gators!

My next entry.

I replaced the batteries in my scale. They were the original batteries from when I bought the thing, which had to be 2-3 years ago.  Didn't seem to make much of a difference. I still got an 8-pound variation this morning.  GRRRRRRR!!  Guess the solution will have to be buying a better-quality scale.  And until then (because I can't bring myself to spend more than $20 on a scale yet) I'll have to take this as a sign to not obsess about the numbers on that dang scale.  I'll have to take my own advice and use it as a tool, not a guide.  Or something like that.  It's the overall trend that matters, not the daily readings.  And if I take what I get on the scale at work, and keep an eye on the numbers that I get here at home, I have an idea where I'm at, number-wise.  Which will have to be good enough.  

But one of the real reasons I'm a little freaking out about it right now is because I'm almost under 200 pounds.  Again.  The very first time in my life that I weighed more than 200 pounds was the day I went to the hospital at 39 weeks pregnant to give birth to my nearly-9-pound baby boy.  I weighed 202 pounds that day and was mortified at that.  I've been over 200 for quite a while now (except for the last time I did this lifestyle weight loss plan) and am mortified at that, too.  So to be under 200 again is a huge milestone for me.  And this time, I AM NOT GOING BACK!!!  I fully intend to stay in "onederland"!!  So, yeah. I'm less than 10 pounds away from onederland.  I'm gonna be there soon. 

I've been thinking ahead, a little too far ahead yet, but thinking ahead to my goal weight and how I'm going to change once I get there and get off of this strict part of the plan.  First of all, I don't know what my goal weight is.  Have I mentioned that here yet?  Hold on, I'm gonna go check...

OK, looks like I haven't.  So here's the thing: I don't have a number picked out for my goal weight. I mean, I know what I weighed at my lowest as an adult, but that was when I was like 18, and according to the BMI charts now, it's borderline underweight.  I know what range I need to be in to be in the "healthy" BMI range per that same chart and per my MD's recommendations.  So, I guess that range is my goal.  The lower end of that range.  Which is about 20 pounds more than what I weighed in high school. Which means I have another 60-70 pounds to go.  Which sounds like a shit-ton when I put it that way.  

This is probably why I shouldn't obsess about numbers. Ha. Ha.  So, I won't.  

I'll look at the upside.  The last time I did this, I lost 62 pounds and it was, honestly, really easy.  My goal this time is apparently to lose 60-70.  I just have to do what I did last time! And I'm already ahead of myself there because I'm starting lower :)  and because last time, I was having a really hard time staying on plan on the weekends, and this time I'm not having that issue! 

As far as how to eat once I'm done doing this eat-five-prepackaged-foods-per-day plan... I need to have a good plan in place for that, too, or I'm going to mess it all up again once I'm done.  I can't even fathom eating "normally" again right now.  Maybe I'll just be a picky eater for the rest of my life.  Maybe I'll be one of those people who doesn't really do sweets -- one of those people who just has like a bite or two and that's it.  That would be awesome!  I could totally do that.  If I could learn to not be a comfort eater, that would help so much!!  

Alright, my time here is up, I have to get back to work. TTFN

One Month Down!

I'm in Obesity Class 1!!  Not that that is anything to be happy about, but I started in Obesity Class 2, so it kind of really is something to be happy about! 

In a twist that has actually been a huge change for me, I have been really lax about the scale lately.  Mainly due to the aforementioned frustration with the lack of consistency and, therefore, reliability with our home scale.  The little games I was playing with "best two out of three" (which, after I read what I wrote, sounded completely and utterly insane) don't even hold up anymore, because in the course of two minutes on that thing, I can get results varying from 2 to 15 pounds.  A difference of 2 pounds is okay, a difference of 15 pounds is not. 

But this isn't such a bad thing. I'm breaking my addiction and reliance on a dang number defining my sense of self-worth.  I'm sticking with the plan because I know it works, and I'm noticing the differences in other ways.  I see the changes in my body -- my face looking slimmer, I can actually feel and almost see my collar bone again, my cankles are almost gone, and my knee caps are slowly emerging again as well!  

My eating habits have changed dramatically as well.  I was at Walmart the other day after work, and typically after a stressful day at work such as I've had lately, a Walmart run after work would guarantee my picking up something chocolate and peanut buttery and scarfing it down on the way home.  But I didn't!  Although I did have a moment, walking by the display of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs...my kryptonite.  It was a momentary twinge, not even long enough to call a craving, it was more like an "awwww, I miss those," moment.  I can have one next year.  

But then, I got home, and my Scentsy mystery bags had been delivered!! And with each mystery bag (I'd ordered two) was a small bag of candy.  And each one had a small Reese's PB cup.  I held off for a a while, then said eff it, and had one.  And before I knew it, I'd had both PB cups and one of the Kit-Kats (mini-size, so only two "fingers".  That's how they were listed in MyFitnessPal -- Kit Kat "fingers").  The PB cups were heavenly but I felt bad almost immediately for eating them.  I only felt a little better after doing damage control and looking them up on MFP to discover that I really hadn't gone as overboard on the carbs and sugar as I thought I had.  But the Kit Kat didn't taste as good as I'd hoped it would have, and I was really embarassed about how quickly I wolfed it all down. It really is like an addiction.  Once I made the choice to open and eat that first PB cup, I knew I was going to end up eating the other one and probably the Kit Kats, too.  There's still one Kit Kat left, and some Hershey's kisses. I'll give them to the hubby when he gets home Saturday.

Other than THAT, I have been doing very well at staying on track with eating.  Nothing really sounds good.  I haven't had any intense cravings that can't be quenched with water or distraction.  A lot of times when I feel like I'm hungry, I drink more water and then I feel full.  I need to drink more water anyway!  Food just isn't very appealing anymore.  On the weight-loss groups I follow on FB, people are always posting new recipes that fit the program, and hacks they've come up with for the pre-packaged foods we can have and all that, and none of it appeals to me.  For one, I like the pre-packaged snacks because they're pre-packaged and ready to go the way they are; why would I want to spend more time making them into something else?  I don't like cooking! I don't need to incorporate them into "real meals" to get them down because I like them just the way they are.  And for another, I don't want to take my favorite meals and substitute the things I love about them with things that are "better" for me.  I don't have many favorite meals.  I like lasagna alright, but I'd rather skip it than try to make it with zucchini noodles instead of real pasta noodles.

When I was young, I was a very picky eater.  I can't tell you how much time I spent alone at the table after supper staring at partial plate of cold food because I wasn't going to be allowed to leave until I cleaned my plate.  There was an unofficial short list of meals that my Mom made for which I was allowed to have a PB&J sandwich that night, because I wouldn't eat the actual meal anyway, but it was a really short list.  Because I inherited my stubbornness from both sides, ha ha ha!

I don't know what happened.  I don't know when that changed.  I think I'm still a pretty picky eater.  I like bland foods.  Maybe that's part of the reason my hubby does most of the cooking.  The other night, I was making tacos for the boy and I (since the hubby's out of town) and was boiling up a chicken breast on a pan on the stove to make pulled chicken with.  And the boy was watching me and it was about halfway done and he was like, "Aren't you going to season that?"  It honestly hadn't occurred to me.  I like bland.  I would've been perfectly happy with it the way I was doing it, but since he said something, I added some spices to it.  

Anyway, I should get to work now.  I might try adding new batteries to the scale (like I keep threatening to do) and see if that makes a difference, and then just weigh myself every week or so at work, but that sucks because then I have to subtract 8 pounds and I would just like to see my real, accurate weight!

Alright. Thanks for reading.  See ya next time!

Round 2, Day # whatever (I stopped counting the days)

SW: 226.2 (on 1/19/2021) , BMI (per this link): 37.6 - Obesity Class 2 (35 to 39.99)

CW: 213.0, BMI: 35.4 - still Obesity Class 2

GW: ???, BMI: healthy (18.5 to 24.99)

TOTAL LOST: 13.2 pounds

Round 2, day 3.

Today's weight...225.2.

Today's mood: Improving! Optimistic.  Honestly, I feel like I'm eating all the time.  My gut doesn't hurt as much as it did a few days ago.  I was honestly worried that I was going to gain weight because I wasn't eating this much before.  Which was just misperception, of course; I did some food journaling the week or so before I re-started this program and my calorie count was certainly not lacking.  It was just all centralized into one big meal.  Usually in the form of carbs and sugars.  

Food journaling: it's a pain in the butt, but man is it ever effective!  It really makes me realize how much I'm actually eating -- which is usually much more than I think I am.  The last few weeks, I thought I was eating next to nothing, but actually I was eating right around 1200-1500 calories per day.  And I can totally see why now.  Because in my mind, since I wasn't eating much during the day, I'd try to make up for it when I was able to eat.  It's that whole "I have room for that" attitude, and I must get rid of that if I'm going to be successful this time around!!  

Because I AM going to be successful this time around, there is no doubt about that.  

But I digress.  My point was that I do feel like I'm eating all the time, with having these foods every 2-3 hours during the day.  I woke up hungry, but after the first couple of bites I felt better.  After that I haven't felt hungry.  Just like -- oh, it's time to eat again. Le sigh.  

And now's the time where I vent about things that annoy me.  Like people posting "then" and "now" pics on the groups -- now hold on, read the whole sentence before you flip out -- where you can't tell which is the "before" and which is the "now".  Like, seriously!!  This is the case more often than not.  I have to restrain myself from commenting, "Which is which?" or "You look great in both of them!" because honestly, I don't see a difference.  Just goes to prove, I guess, that we are our own worst critics.  I mean, I can look in the mirror and see a difference in my face now than what it was like two weeks ago.  Two weeks ago I felt like my face looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  I can see that it's a little slimmer already, but I doubt that anyone else can, so I'm not going to start plastering "then" and "now" pics anywhere.  Maybe it's just me, but I like my "then" and "now" pics to show obvious changes like right now.  My previous ones did.  I haven't taken any "then" (which would be "now") pics this time around yet.  I suppose I should do that, but it's cold and I don't want to put on shorts and a tank top just to have my picture taken.  I could always use by First Round "before" picture.

The other thing that annoys me is the groups in general.  I made it until today before I commented on one with my unpopular opinion (that is to say, my knowledge goes against what the program advises).  It irks me to no end that the "coaches" aren't actually medically trained in any way, shape, or form, and if you know me, you know that I will be damned if I'm going to take medical-type advice from anyone who isn't medically trained!!  I had a go-around with one of the board mods about this last time about a certain topic.  Not the same topic that was brought up today (and not the same group, either).  It just gets on my last nerve. One person asks a question, and 55 people respond with the wrong answer and I roll in with the correct answer and a link to a scientific, academic study to prove it, but that doesn't matter because The Program Doesn't Allow It.  I know that's The Way of Social Media, I get it.  This isn't an isolated incident.  But that doesn't make it any less infuriating when I KNOW I'M RIGHT!!!! But whatever.  I'll do what I know is right, and if they want to be miserable without their caffeine, they can go right ahead.  I'll be over here having my cake and eating it too.  Which really means having my caffeine and drinking it, too, and still losing weight so nyah-nyah-nyah!!! :P

Alright, break's over, time to get back to work.  TTYL!