Why? Part 1

A short while ago, when I told her that I was going to gear up and dive into round 2 of this program
with the goal of losing the weight I had gained back and then a little bit more, my good friend and official coach asked me to do just two things:

1.    Write down 50 reasons to lose weight/be healthy; and

2.    Repeat 3 affirmations before getting up every morning:

        a.    I release my excess weight and feel light and free;

        b.    I choose food that nourishes and heals me, and every bite is an act of self love;

        c.    I acknowledge that to be healthy is my choice; I choose in each moment to love and honor my body.

That was actually just a little over a month ago.  I... ummmm.. haven't accomplished either of those things yet.  Ooops.

So! She and I touched base about this earlier this week, and I made it a goal to come up with at least 25 reasons why by the end of the week. Which is, oh my garsh, today!  If not for the last minute, I'd never get things done.  ;)

Alright, alright, alright; here we go. In no particular order...

My Reasons Why:

1. Heart disease runs in my family. My Dad had a double bypass when he was just 65 years old.  I don't want that to happen to me.  I know that losing weight isn't a guarantee, but it is a risk factor I can control.
2. Speaking of health...being a healthy weight also lowers my risk of developing certain types of cancer, so they say.  Cancers are in my family, too.  My Dad has had prostate cancer and skin cancer x2, and there have been other cancers in my extended family.  So, it's there.  I'm pretty sure it's in every family.  I'd like to keep that risk as low as possible.
3. Lower risk of developing diabetes.  Do I really have to explain why I want to lower my risk of developing ANY disease?!?
4. Losing weight can also help fight depression, and I need every ounce of help fighting depression that I can get.  It's a vicious circle, too; because I'm not saying the reason I gained weight in the first place is because of anti-depressants, but Zoloft was a factor.  I'm not saying I wish I'd never taken Zoloft, because it's a damn good anti-depressant.  But the medication I took to help fight depression also helped me gain weight, which in turn made me more depressed about having gained weight.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  I don't take Zoloft anymore.  The class of anti-depressant I'm on now doesn't have the weight-gaining side effect of the SSRI's (like Zoloft).  So at least the current I'm swimming against isn't quite as strong anymore.
5. Losing weight and eating cleaner helps with digestive issues as well.  I notice that difference almost right away.  Shortly after cutting out the extra sugars and carbs from my diet, my digestive issues clear up.  Like magic!  *groan*  
6. I want to set a good example for my son. Because I haven't done a great job of that yet in this department.  He's always had an overweight mom. But at least I can show him that it's never too late to change.  

That's all I've got for now.  I'll try to think of some more later.  This is hard!

I don't know where I'm at with weight loss.  My scale is on crack.  Today it says I gained 10 pounds since yesterday which I know for a fact I did not thank you very little.  I'm trying to be brave and not let it matter but I just want to know how much I weigh once a day so I can track it on my little tracker and have a graph to look at...

I think I'm going to take a bag of sugar upstairs (or something that I know the weight of) and test it on my scale to see how far off the dang thing is.  IDK.  I need numbers.  I need to measure something.  And I don't want to measure inches.  

On a super positive note, last night my hubby told me that my face looks skinny.  :) 

Alright, time to get back to work.  Later, gators!

My next entry.

I replaced the batteries in my scale. They were the original batteries from when I bought the thing, which had to be 2-3 years ago.  Didn't seem to make much of a difference. I still got an 8-pound variation this morning.  GRRRRRRR!!  Guess the solution will have to be buying a better-quality scale.  And until then (because I can't bring myself to spend more than $20 on a scale yet) I'll have to take this as a sign to not obsess about the numbers on that dang scale.  I'll have to take my own advice and use it as a tool, not a guide.  Or something like that.  It's the overall trend that matters, not the daily readings.  And if I take what I get on the scale at work, and keep an eye on the numbers that I get here at home, I have an idea where I'm at, number-wise.  Which will have to be good enough.  

But one of the real reasons I'm a little freaking out about it right now is because I'm almost under 200 pounds.  Again.  The very first time in my life that I weighed more than 200 pounds was the day I went to the hospital at 39 weeks pregnant to give birth to my nearly-9-pound baby boy.  I weighed 202 pounds that day and was mortified at that.  I've been over 200 for quite a while now (except for the last time I did this lifestyle weight loss plan) and am mortified at that, too.  So to be under 200 again is a huge milestone for me.  And this time, I AM NOT GOING BACK!!!  I fully intend to stay in "onederland"!!  So, yeah. I'm less than 10 pounds away from onederland.  I'm gonna be there soon. 

I've been thinking ahead, a little too far ahead yet, but thinking ahead to my goal weight and how I'm going to change once I get there and get off of this strict part of the plan.  First of all, I don't know what my goal weight is.  Have I mentioned that here yet?  Hold on, I'm gonna go check...

OK, looks like I haven't.  So here's the thing: I don't have a number picked out for my goal weight. I mean, I know what I weighed at my lowest as an adult, but that was when I was like 18, and according to the BMI charts now, it's borderline underweight.  I know what range I need to be in to be in the "healthy" BMI range per that same chart and per my MD's recommendations.  So, I guess that range is my goal.  The lower end of that range.  Which is about 20 pounds more than what I weighed in high school. Which means I have another 60-70 pounds to go.  Which sounds like a shit-ton when I put it that way.  

This is probably why I shouldn't obsess about numbers. Ha. Ha.  So, I won't.  

I'll look at the upside.  The last time I did this, I lost 62 pounds and it was, honestly, really easy.  My goal this time is apparently to lose 60-70.  I just have to do what I did last time! And I'm already ahead of myself there because I'm starting lower :)  and because last time, I was having a really hard time staying on plan on the weekends, and this time I'm not having that issue! 

As far as how to eat once I'm done doing this eat-five-prepackaged-foods-per-day plan... I need to have a good plan in place for that, too, or I'm going to mess it all up again once I'm done.  I can't even fathom eating "normally" again right now.  Maybe I'll just be a picky eater for the rest of my life.  Maybe I'll be one of those people who doesn't really do sweets -- one of those people who just has like a bite or two and that's it.  That would be awesome!  I could totally do that.  If I could learn to not be a comfort eater, that would help so much!!  

Alright, my time here is up, I have to get back to work. TTFN

One Month Down!

I'm in Obesity Class 1!!  Not that that is anything to be happy about, but I started in Obesity Class 2, so it kind of really is something to be happy about! 

In a twist that has actually been a huge change for me, I have been really lax about the scale lately.  Mainly due to the aforementioned frustration with the lack of consistency and, therefore, reliability with our home scale.  The little games I was playing with "best two out of three" (which, after I read what I wrote, sounded completely and utterly insane) don't even hold up anymore, because in the course of two minutes on that thing, I can get results varying from 2 to 15 pounds.  A difference of 2 pounds is okay, a difference of 15 pounds is not. 

But this isn't such a bad thing. I'm breaking my addiction and reliance on a dang number defining my sense of self-worth.  I'm sticking with the plan because I know it works, and I'm noticing the differences in other ways.  I see the changes in my body -- my face looking slimmer, I can actually feel and almost see my collar bone again, my cankles are almost gone, and my knee caps are slowly emerging again as well!  

My eating habits have changed dramatically as well.  I was at Walmart the other day after work, and typically after a stressful day at work such as I've had lately, a Walmart run after work would guarantee my picking up something chocolate and peanut buttery and scarfing it down on the way home.  But I didn't!  Although I did have a moment, walking by the display of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs...my kryptonite.  It was a momentary twinge, not even long enough to call a craving, it was more like an "awwww, I miss those," moment.  I can have one next year.  

But then, I got home, and my Scentsy mystery bags had been delivered!! And with each mystery bag (I'd ordered two) was a small bag of candy.  And each one had a small Reese's PB cup.  I held off for a a while, then said eff it, and had one.  And before I knew it, I'd had both PB cups and one of the Kit-Kats (mini-size, so only two "fingers".  That's how they were listed in MyFitnessPal -- Kit Kat "fingers").  The PB cups were heavenly but I felt bad almost immediately for eating them.  I only felt a little better after doing damage control and looking them up on MFP to discover that I really hadn't gone as overboard on the carbs and sugar as I thought I had.  But the Kit Kat didn't taste as good as I'd hoped it would have, and I was really embarassed about how quickly I wolfed it all down. It really is like an addiction.  Once I made the choice to open and eat that first PB cup, I knew I was going to end up eating the other one and probably the Kit Kats, too.  There's still one Kit Kat left, and some Hershey's kisses. I'll give them to the hubby when he gets home Saturday.

Other than THAT, I have been doing very well at staying on track with eating.  Nothing really sounds good.  I haven't had any intense cravings that can't be quenched with water or distraction.  A lot of times when I feel like I'm hungry, I drink more water and then I feel full.  I need to drink more water anyway!  Food just isn't very appealing anymore.  On the weight-loss groups I follow on FB, people are always posting new recipes that fit the program, and hacks they've come up with for the pre-packaged foods we can have and all that, and none of it appeals to me.  For one, I like the pre-packaged snacks because they're pre-packaged and ready to go the way they are; why would I want to spend more time making them into something else?  I don't like cooking! I don't need to incorporate them into "real meals" to get them down because I like them just the way they are.  And for another, I don't want to take my favorite meals and substitute the things I love about them with things that are "better" for me.  I don't have many favorite meals.  I like lasagna alright, but I'd rather skip it than try to make it with zucchini noodles instead of real pasta noodles.

When I was young, I was a very picky eater.  I can't tell you how much time I spent alone at the table after supper staring at partial plate of cold food because I wasn't going to be allowed to leave until I cleaned my plate.  There was an unofficial short list of meals that my Mom made for which I was allowed to have a PB&J sandwich that night, because I wouldn't eat the actual meal anyway, but it was a really short list.  Because I inherited my stubbornness from both sides, ha ha ha!

I don't know what happened.  I don't know when that changed.  I think I'm still a pretty picky eater.  I like bland foods.  Maybe that's part of the reason my hubby does most of the cooking.  The other night, I was making tacos for the boy and I (since the hubby's out of town) and was boiling up a chicken breast on a pan on the stove to make pulled chicken with.  And the boy was watching me and it was about halfway done and he was like, "Aren't you going to season that?"  It honestly hadn't occurred to me.  I like bland.  I would've been perfectly happy with it the way I was doing it, but since he said something, I added some spices to it.  

Anyway, I should get to work now.  I might try adding new batteries to the scale (like I keep threatening to do) and see if that makes a difference, and then just weigh myself every week or so at work, but that sucks because then I have to subtract 8 pounds and I would just like to see my real, accurate weight!

Alright. Thanks for reading.  See ya next time!

Round 2, Day # whatever (I stopped counting the days)

SW: 226.2 (on 1/19/2021) , BMI (per this link): 37.6 - Obesity Class 2 (35 to 39.99)

CW: 213.0, BMI: 35.4 - still Obesity Class 2

GW: ???, BMI: healthy (18.5 to 24.99)

TOTAL LOST: 13.2 pounds